Grace On Rainbow

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Falling Short . . .

I am trying to see God's grace through this time but to be honest it is very difficult and I feel like I am failing most of the time. I want to rejoice in this trial, but how do I stop my heart from crying out for my boys? I want my little guys back to give me just one more hug . . . to hear them running to the door yelling "Daddy's home!" . . . to see them dancing and spinning with their "Sissy" . . . to hear them flying planes through the house with their "Wah-Wah". I want to see my baby take his first step and to taste his 1st birthday cake this Friday. I want him to wake me up one more night . . . . Just one more night . . .

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Waiting . . .

I think this is the most difficult part of any trial that God leads you through . . . the waiting. Waiting on His timing . . . leading . . . direction . . . and resting in the fact that tomorrow the sun with rise and by His grace alone you will be able to rejoice in yet another day.

I heard back from the lawyer and he is hoping to hear from the judge tomorrow regarding his decision about permissive placement. Part of me wants so desperately just to know and move forward and a bigger part of me just wants this time to stand still and hold onto them forever.

Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.
Psalm 143:8

Sunday, May 15, 2011

A New Path . . .

I have struggled as to whether I wanted to write about this and I have actually started other posts, but couldn't finish them, but I want this time in my life to be a time when I rejoice in what God is doing not what I wanted Him to do.

Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. Romans 5:1-5

11 months ago on July 17, 2010 we received 3 amazing little guys into our lives. It was followed by much fear, tears, laughter, hugs, kisses, crying, and patience. It was a time in our lives that God used to show us areas in our own lives that we were failing at, and still are, and a time for our family to be challenged. I watched my two AMAZING children step up and sacrifice their time, space, and parents to give to 3 little boys who needed us for a season in their life. I watched a 3 year old look up to my son as the big brother he needed in his life. I watched my daughter become "little mommy" and change diapers, feed bottles, and kiss boo-boos. Were their struggles - most definitely, but God once again showed His mercy and grace and we began to see not just 3 lives changing, but 7 lives being molded and shaped by God's own hands.

But now, O LORD, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand. Isaiah 64:8

When we began the fostering/adoption journey, I realized that just like not being in control of having our own biological children, I was no more in control of what would happen at the end of this path. People have often told us that they could never foster because they could never give them back, but now as this path comes to an end, I could not imagine not walking down it - not being their for 3 slobbery, running nose, precious, amazing little guys.

And now as we journey through this final week I think . . . did I love them enough, did I take enough time with them, will they remember this time, can I let them go because as much as I know that they were only ours for a few precious moments, there is still a very real part of me that cries out "these are my boys and I don't want to let them go." Yet once again God's unimaginable love shines through and I realize that no matter what tomorrow brings, He is and will always be faithful to me today. So I will grab every hug, cherish every kiss, remember every "I love you mommy", and pray with more fervor that He will change the life of a mother who will be receiving the most precious gift she could ever hope to get - another chance at being these little guys' mommy.

Today in junior church (Noah is in our class - what a lucky kid right?) we asked for prayer requests and my son's prayer request was that his mom would not be sad this week as the boys go home and that I wont cry too much . . . my sweet, amazing, loving boy - I cannot promise there will be no tears, but I will try to rejoice in what God has done in our lives these past 11 months.